“You can’t stay in your corner of the Forest waiting for others to come to you. You have to go to them sometimes.” – A.A Milne (Yes, I did just start this with a Winnie the Pooh quote).
I know how it feels to live in such fear of letting people in. I struggle with it so much, i’ve already resigned my life to living in my friends attic with my cat and a penguin… scarily, that doesn’t scare me. To fear exposing yourself is to live the all encompassing nightmare that one day, someone will find out who you are. However, I’ve only recently realised that letting someone in will not ruin you, it might just really guide you. Believe it or not, there are people out there who love you, who won’t run away, fall apart, tell the whole world if you lay yourself bare. They may even help you realise, that this mass of stored up feelings is not what you always feared. You’re more “normal” than you think. I will never find a way to tell these few people i’ve opened up to how much I love them for just listening.
Someone I know once wrote:
“if you’re suffering, if you don’t trust the days in front of you and if you think that you yourself are the flaw that keeps the black coming back know this: i cannot promise you a date, i am powerless to tell you which route you should take to move forwards (because each one is unique) and i know how it feels to not believe in the words of another on subjects like these. but the hell is beatable and it doesn’t take a superhuman effort. it is a temporary stain and it makes you a stronger person for resisting it, and in the resisting, you become a truer version of your real self; the self that hates the delusions and grimness and grows low because of it. time and will heals all. so long as you don’t tolerate being down (and i have never met anyone who does, regardless of what they might say), you will beat this thing. it is not mine or your job to heal another who suffers, but it is your job to understand. and if you truly care, to love.”
These words shaped my life. And hopefully he doesn’t mind me posting this, I won’t name you Ollie.
I know if you feel like you’re unfixable, anything anyone says won’t change it. But does that mean you should never open up? Deep down there is a voice in you that’s keeping you here, there is a reason you are still here. You are not flawed. And if you let it, that tiny (and fuck, I mean tiny) ray of hope will grow, and it’s going to take fucking ages, but it might change your life. So open up, let someone in. Whatever you might think, you do actually deserve it.